William Roache appeals to public to stop shoving things up his arse

ken barlowCoronation street thespian and spiritualist William Roache has made a heartfelt plea to the general public to desist from shoving things up his arse. The actor who specialises in playing Ken Barlows made the announcement via twitter, facebook and telepathy from his room in a private hospital where already he has had a toothbrush, a beach ball and a children’s bicycle removed from his anus.

The sudden spate of inserting things into William Roache began it seems immediately after an interview with a journalist from New Zealand’s One News channel.  A spokesman from One News told us “William was halfway through telling us that Jimmy Saville’s victims amongst others were atoning for sins in a past life when suddenly there was a queue of people with inanimate objects. It seems that somewhere along the line some cultural taboo had been broken, and it was now alright to shove things up his arse.”

A spokesman for Coronation street which Mr Roache has acted in since its silent film days has told us that there will be no change to the soap’s line up. “He’s still going to be playing Ken but obviously there’ll be a few episodes where you don’t see him sitting down.  To minimise further calamity, all other Coronation Street actors have been asked to sign a contract pledging to only insert things into his arse when specifically part of the storyline”.

Police have warned people inserting items into William Roache’s arse to only insert their own items and not items belonging to other people. “Inserting other people’s possessions into William Roache without their express permission could potentially result in litigation” they warned.

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