Cameron “I didn’t do it but I won’t do it again”

Prime Minister David Cameron has assured a concerned British public that he has never benefited from offshore tax havens and has also promised that this will absolutely be the last time and he will never do it again.

Addressing a heaving press conference, Mr Cameron said “I can confirm emphatically that none of my family are in receipt of any tax free income that we haven’t received yet. Nor have any investments been made that had already been made earlier or later in the past or in the future for that matter.

“My word is my bond. And that’s the reason that you don’t need to see any of my tax returns.”

Multi-millionaire Father Ian Cameron posthumously made the headlines in 2010 when it emerged he had left his son David nothing more than a box of nubbins and a tin whistle.

However one source close to Mr Cameron junior revealed that the Prime Minister had put a very brave face on it.

“I expected him to be disappointed. Strangely enough he set off on a series of day trips to small British owned islands with a shit eating grin on his face. It was an absolute mystery.”

London Mayor Boris Johnson said he would have preferred the revelations to coincide with his leadership bid but conceded it was a good opportunity to register pretend disapproval.

“The whole things a bit iffy. And an immediate investigation needs to be launched into his tax affairs. Not mine. His. If it transpires that I’ve been up to anything similar it will be just part of my contrived persona of forgetful lolloping entertaining sheep dog like antics.”