David Cameron has announced a minimum price on a bag of cocaine as part of tough new measures designed to keep class A drug use for birthdays, bank holidays and other special occasions.
Speaking at a press conference the Premier told us “We’ve decided that people should be allowed to drink as much alcohol as they like after all. But we can’t have people with only one nostril talking gibberish and jumping up and down like zebedee left right and centre. The only way we can curb this problem is a minimum charge of slightly more than a weeks income support. Whatever that is.”
Labour leader Eddie Miliband has been prompt to oppose such a policy. “This is yet another example of Cameron making policies to benefit his rich mates. City broker Tarquin can carry on hoovering up top quality Bolivian marching powder and going out to shout at waitresses in wine bars. However, a factory worker on the minimum wage will no longer be able to afford to but a buy a mixture of Vim, crushed prozac and washing powder to enhance his night out in a shit pub. It’s an outrage and it’s quite clear that the Government haven’t put any thought into this.”
In addition, the National Association of Drug Dealers have issued a rare statement criticising the new policy. “It’s quite clear that if there is an extortionate minimum price on a bag of drugs, people are just going to purchase their drugs illegally on the black market”.
The new ‘Nostril Tax’ has been viewed cynically by MPs on both side of the house. One MP told us “He’s just working his way through the alphabet. He’s tried fixing the price for alcohol, buses and now cocaine. It’ll be something beginning with D next”.
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