The British public have today backed Dame Helen Mirren as she has called for smug drumming troupes to finally piss off and bang their stupid drums somewhere else.
Speaking at a press conference, Dame Helen told us “I’m basically the Queen these days as people prefer me to the other one. But with that comes responsibility. So when I saw one too many smug drum troupes banging away and looking incredibly pleased with themselves, I thought I must ask them to piss off in a very regal fashion.”
One passer by told us “I’m right behind Dame Helen. Someone had to say something. It used to be just dippy hippies which was excruciating enough, but now it’s all human resources managers and young professionals, who started drumming on a team building day and have taken it up as a useful addition to the work life balance part of their CV. In my opinion it’s time for them to piss off and do something else in a smug fashion.”
This has been the first such outburst from Dame Helen since she told some pan pipe players to “put a sock in it” in the late nineties. Comparisons have been drawn between the two outbursts which both gathered the full support of the public and musicians alike. One former pan piper told us “She was right. We knew in our heart of hearts that we needed to stop this twatty noise”.
Thankfully many of today’s drum troupes also appear quite prepared to cease forthwith. One former drummer Dave told us “I was really only doing it to get a shag in the first place. However, not only have I not managed to get one, I’ve ended up being roped into reiki healing sessions, making sushi and yarn bombing. Quite frankly if I never see another fucking drum, it’ll be far too soon.”
Drummer and PR manager Jocasta was also pragmatic regarding the ruling . “It’s OK, I was going to move on to making cup cakes anyway” she giggled.
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