Marks and Spencer to employ crack team of underpant salesmen

Marks and Spencer are set to change their sales approach to reverse declining sales by recruiting a crack team of  underpant salesmen. In a move that has seen the high street store poaching staff from used car showrooms, mobile phone shops and double glazing companies the new role is set to see top performers earning a six figure salary under the new company policy “Nobody leaves until they’ve bought new shreddies.”

In a move that will see salesman guiding customers in from the street for a ‘free underpant consultation’ Chief Executive Marc Bolland  insisted that Marks and Spencer must be seen to move with the times in a very challenging environment. “If we’re not careful, people will shop around and even buy their underpants online. We need to guide all our customers into small ‘closing rooms’ , take them out of their natural environment and verbally beat them into submission. Top performing salesmen will have use of a company BMW and an article about their success in the company magazine. Low performers will of course be publicly humiliated, have their company car exchanged for a mobility scooter and expect random angry phone calls from their boss in the middle of the night.”

One customer we spoke to had just visited the Aylesbury branch, which has been among the first to roll out the new sales methods. “They did seem very attentive. I only popped in to buy a sandwich but a smart man in a suit seemed very keen to know how much I spent a month on my underpants and seemed to think he could get me a very handsome part exchange price on the ones that I was wearing.   He then reasoned that if he came up with a solution to meet my underpants requirements for life then I’d have to sign up there and then. It was obviously very tempting and now I’m signed up to £100 a month ‘celebrity underpants plan’ for the rest of my life. But that should be sufficient to cover all my future underpants needs. As long as I don’t ever follow through.”