Eurovision viewers urged to start drinking now


Anticipated spectators of 2015’s Eurovision song contest due to be held in Vienna in May have been urged by experts to start drinking alcohol immediately and in great quantities, in order to survive the relentless battering of absolute bollocks to the auditory cortex, which is widely tipped to be the worst since 1976.

The move comes as Britain have entered a song that nobody likes as they do not want it to win, so when it inevitably doesn’t, it will in fact be very much a win for Britain. However it is thought that many other countries may have had the same idea.

Professor Brian Cox has advised spending March drinking weak beer, before turning to red wine in April and then spending the first 3 weeks of May doing shots.

“It won’t be good enough to just start drinking on the night. Prospective viewers will need to have been munted like a chimp for a number of weeks, months even, in order to deal with the awfulness of it all.” He explained.

“It’s absolutely fine to do drugs. But do avoid the ones that make you more alert.” He added.

Former Ultravox front man Midge Ure, who will be opening the contest with a rendition of his hit ‘Oh Vienna’, told us that he had started drinking this morning and would not be stopping until the end of the contest after party. “I’m going to carry on  drinking until I can’t hear myself sing. Then and only then will I be sure I can’t hear the contestants either.” He told us.

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