Jeremy Corbyn “We’ll take back all the money and dish it out equally”


Brand spanking new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has confirmed that if successful in a General Election he will take back all the money in Britain and give it out again so everyone has exactly the same.

“It’s like monopoly. It’s all great fun but sooner or later just one person has all the hotels in Park Lane and Mayfair and everyone else is broke. So it’s time to start all over again.” He explained.

The plan to dish everything out fairly has not been without its critics. One company director and old Etonian told us “It’s absolutely ridiculous. Unless I’m stupidly rich and other people don’t have enough to eat then everyone will suffer. Obviously not in terms of having enough to eat or not having somewhere to live. But they’ll suffer in other ways. You’re just going to have to take my word for it as posh rich bloke on this one.”

Failed leadership hopeful Andy Burnham has refused to rule out confirming or denying or indeed abstaining from offering a point of view on the matter.

“People don’t want my opinion on a particular question that I’ve been asked. They want to hear a scripted generic sound bite that I prepared earlier with help from my team.  When the people finally get bored of Corbyn I’ll be waiting in the sidelines ready to take us back to the same old sanitised soundbite nonsense. Yes, the moment beardy fucks up, I’m going to be the one that takes the bull by the horns by uttering uncommitted woolly platitudes until people forget that that’s what they want and lose the will to live, promising themselves that they’ll never try to get me to answer a straight question again.” he explained.

Should Mr Corbyn succeed he will be the first Prime Minister with a beard since Benjamin Disraeli.

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