Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty Scotsmen.
Endorsing the new hearing aids for an undisclosed sum, former GP on the Richard and Judy show Dr Chris Steele told us “I used to love going to pubs and restaurants but in the end I couldn’t even hear the waiter run through the specials without a terrible din of people shouting ‘aye’ and ‘noo’ at each other. In the end I would just give up, turn my hearing aids off and plant my face firmly in my dinner. But now I feel I’ve been given my life back.”
The technology uses reverse phase technology which automatically plays a recording of Scotsman talking backwards when it recognises an accent north of the clyde. The opposite sound waves then cancel each other out leaving the wearer able to ignore highland loudness and concentrate on their chosen pastimes such as watching countdown, spending time with the grandchildren or conversing with a Welshman.
A spokesman for Phonak explained”More and more people every year are suffering from a shouty Scot related hearing affliction and unless they all put a sock in it forthwith, it’s only going to get worse. And anyone thinking it’s all going to quieten down after Thursday has got their head wedged firmly up their own arse. Which would admittedly be a second best if they can’t afford our hearing aids.”
The hearing aids will only be available on the private market apart from in Scotland where they will be supplied on the NHS, the extra cost being subsidised by oil revenues.
Alex Salmond told us “It’s a bit strange wearing these things. I can’t actually hear my own voice now. Which is curiously pleasant so I can imagine these will go like hot cakes south of the border.”
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