British society as a whole is going to have to start taking a great deal more drugs on far more frequent occasions if we are going to win the war on drugs, according to a statement released this morning by the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.
“The war on drugs” he argued “is being lost because they are labelled as being naughty and that makes them more attractive. We need to make them compulsory and assign each member of the public with their own personal quota of narcotics to be taken within a 12 month period. After 12 months, people will of course have the option of ‘opting out’ but until then we expect people to be at it like laboratory beagles. ”
In direct opposition to David Cameron and George Osborne’s ‘We’ve taken drugs but you can’t policy’, Police will have the powers to stop and search members of the public randomly and will be able to issue on the spot fines for those not in possession or under the influence of at least a class b substance.
The exact logistics are apparently a little sketchy but it is thought that people will receive their compulsory annual drug allowance via remaining Comet superstores which will also be used to host mandatory Saturday night raves. Day to day administration of the scheme will be down to newly appointed Drugs Tsar, Bez from the Happy Mondays.
“It’ll work a treat.” Mr Clegg continued “In 10 years everyone will be too partied out to bother with drugs. There’ll be no crime apart from children scrumping apples and armed robbery. I would imagine I’ll be in line for a Nobel peace prize”
A parliamentary insider told us “He’s really not expecting to get voted back in again is he?”
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