Britain braces itself for outbreak of the Flooby-Doobies

paul mccartney

Hospitals around the UK have been closing wards to visitors in the hope of preventing the spread of an incredibly unpleasant virus known as the Flooby-Doobies.  Jeremy Hunt the Health Secretary has said that the 972% daily rise in cases of the affliction, which causes highly irrational shopping habits, was unexplained. He has also warned that the damaging effects of the virus can be so strong that they even resist homeopathic remedies.

It is thought that the virus is spread fundamentally in shopping centres and where it musters around the ‘Gift ideas’ sections of popular chain stores, clinging especially to special ‘box sets’ that may contain deodorant and talcum powder or Jack Daniels shot glasses and cards. Anyone exposed is compelled to reach their credit card limit on an unfortunate selection of crap presents that they wouldn’t ever want for themselves and the recipients will be disappointed to receive.

Experts at the Health Protection Agency (HPA) stress that it is normal to see a series of sharp peaks in Flooby-Dooby activity from September onwards, with the bulk of cases occurring in November and December. “We think it’s the shopping centres playing questionable Paul McCartney songs like ‘Pipes of Peace’ which makes the symptoms far worse. We don’t know why. It just does.”

The infection is highly contagious, and as well as symptoms of stress, headaches and wearing silly hats, also involves a sudden urge to find a man with a white beard and sit on his knee and demand a present. The illness usually lasts until early January but can leave long term psychological scarring.

The HPA said that lab reports represent only a small proportion of the actual amount of Flooby-Doobies activity, as most infected people do not go to a doctor for treatment. “It has been estimated that for every confirmed case there are around 3,789,288 unreported cases” They told us. “At fucking least” they added.

A recent visitor to Hale Leys shopping centre in Aylesbury told us “They’ve all got it. It’s like the Dawn of the dead. Except instead of being creatures of the night, they’ve all got the Flooby-Doobies. Anyway, I’m going back there now….must…buy …shit…box sets…..”

Jeremy Hunt does feel that a cure may well be possible in time for next years outbreak. “We just need to persuade Paul McCartney to visit every shopping centre and sing ‘Pipes of Peace’ backwards. It’s the least he can do under the circumstances.”

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