Gove “You can make your children clever by driving them to school in a Land Rover”

Michael Gove has called on all parents to drive their children into school in a Land Rover as it has emerged today that there is a direct correlation between successful schools and pupils who are used to being ferried about in huge four wheel drive sports utility vehicles.

Speaking at a press conference this morning he told us “I visited Portsmouth Grammar School this morning and was most impressed. Being a fee paying school you would expect the parents to have less money left over for transport costs but virtually all parents managed to drop their kids off in a car the size of a small apartment.  It was wonderful to see this dedication, as Portsmouth is a small, flat densely populated island with no apparent possible need for an oversized four wheel drive car.”

We spoke to one such parent Jocasta who told us “All my children are doing well at school. Every time they get good grades hubby buys me another Range Rover. I used to have an ‘autograph’, I now drive an ‘Evoque’ and if my children pass their end of year exams he’s going to buy me a ‘completely up my own self centred colonically irrigated arse V12’ which he says is top of the range. All the research suggests my kids would be even brighter if they had bull bars. But apparently some jobs worth at health and safety has banned them. It is political correctness gone mad…”

Indeed such is Jocasta’s dedication to her children’s education that she drives all 3 of her children the 45 yards from her house to the school on separate trips. “I think if you drive them separately it makes them ever so much brighter.  I do get a few parking tickets when I leave the car in the middle of the road and go for a frappiocciono with the other mums in between trips. But I see them as a punishment for caring too much”.

Michael Gove has urged parents to follow Jocasta’s example, which he says any parent can emulate her children’s success if they get their priorities right. “I simply don’t believe anyone who tells me that they can’t afford a Land Rover. It’s not up to me to manage people’s finances for them but if they just put a hundred pounds into a jar at the end of every day, they’ll be able to afford one in no time”.