Plans to legalise same-sex marriage in England and Wales return to the Commons later, amid continuing opposition from some Conservative activists and MPs who have argued that the proposed legislation is ‘flawed, unconservative and divisive’ and more importantly will awake the Kraken.
The Marriage Bill was approved by a 225-vote majority when it was last debated by MPs in February, but nearly half of all Tories voted against it citing fear of an imminent attack by a mythical giant predator arising from the sea.
According to ancient Nordic folklore, the only thing that can stop the Kraken is a crack team of swivel eyed loons preventing its arrival by voting against gay marriage. One such activist who we think was speaking to us, but the swivelly eyes made it difficult to tell for sure, told us “We wouldn’t have any issue with gay marriage if it wasn’t going to cause an imminent attack by a sea monster. OK, I’m bitter and twisted due to being in a loveless marriage and find the idea of two men or women being happy together offensive. But that’s not the reason I’m opposing the bill. Absolutely not. I’m only opposing the bill because of the huge collateral damage that awaking the Kraken will cost the tax payer.”
UKIP leader Nigel Fararage took a break from running away from angry Scottish people to pledge his support for the bill. “It’s become apparent that the moment that two men get married, or a man and a woman arrange a civil partnership some sort of giant sea creature will arise from the English Channel and start causing all sorts of mayhem. But don’t forget Krakens have a shit sense of direction so the chances are it’ll just pile straight into Europe and start reaping devastation there. So it’s worth a punt. I think I’ll get gay married myself.”
The last time Britain faced demise at the hands of the kraken was after a bill was passed to allow vote for women in 1918. A source told us “Thankfully the Kraken forgot. But it won’t be making the same mistake twice.”
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