Birmingham to get new accent


Residents of Birmingham and the surrounding provinces have been awarded a Government grant for a new accent as part of a new initiative announced today by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.

Speaking at a this morning’s press conference Mr Osborne told us “We all know that times are hard but we need a high speed railway and we can’t afford for people to get off at Birmingham and be told that things are apparently ‘bostin’,  by residents speaking in a monotonously nasal fashion with a tendency to end sentences in a downbeat or a lower octave. It’s going to damage the economy so we have to have a new accent for fitter, leaner Britain.

The accent as we know it today was invented by Noddy Holder in the 1960s and that went down a treat at the time so we’ll be entrusting Mr Holder to down a few beers and come up with the new one. We don’t want to let the cat out of the bag, but you can expect that the new accent will sound similar to mandarin Chinese and involve jumping up and down and frantically waving arms about.”

Whilst the move has had cross party support on a national level it has angered many local politicians who feel their area has been unfairly overlooked for an accent change. Mayor of Liverpool Joe Anderson told us “Westminster haven’t got a clue about life up here. Brookside finished in the 1990s yet we’re still having to use the same accent. We’re fed up of sounding like Pinky and Perky so a deep west African accent would be a real tonic. The Government need to put their hands in their pockets.”

The Accent Defense League issued a largely incomprehensible statement, though it does appear that some sort of march or demo may be likely.

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