Allah chuffed to bits with all the jihading


Celestial being Allah has gone on record to say that he’s chuffed to bits with all the jihading and has promised a special push to ensure every jihadist has plenty of ethereal virgins for their pleasure once they step into his virtual reality afterlife.

In a rare interview the popular deity urged aspiring jihadists to ignore the vast majority of the Quaran and instead commit acts of mass murder in return for a bit of awkward hokey pokey in the next life after this one.

“Islam may be a peaceful religion. But you need to enforce it with a murderous rampage. If you want to be part of a mass spiritual bonkfest anyway.

“You’ll get to shag a very large number of inexperienced young women when you’re dead. No really. And as they’re so inexperienced they won’t necessarily realise that you’re a bit crap at it. And you certainly will be crap at it. You won’t even have a nob, you’ll be dead.” He explained.

“I can also promise jihadists an enormous meal prepared by chefs who have never previously done any cooking. And a huge house in the afterlife built by celestial builders that have never tried brick laying.”

In other news, Neptune God of the sea has also gone on record to call for a holy war in his name. “You’ll get as much fish as you can possibly eat in the afterlife” He explained.

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