Glastonbury organisers have denied that the festival is is descending into corporatism following news that wigged up tycoon and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is to headline next year on the main stage.
The delighted business magnate told us “There’s no music involved but people will want to hear my top ten hints for success. After all Glastonbury already looks good on your cv to make you look more interesting before you apply for that all important job with an investment bank.. It’s almost as important as a gap year in that respect. Why fritter it away listening to music.”
One tearful fan told us that she was delighted with the news and would be glued to her laptop waiting for the chance to hurriedly spend £300 on a ticket.
“I’ve never seen him before but he’s an inspiration. And I can then tell everyone that I’ve seen him. I might even just watch the whole thing on television and try to get away with telling people at work that I’ve actually been. All depends whether they believe me whenI try it this year.”
Emily Eavis has furiously denied claims that the festival has moved away from its alternative culture roots. “Thousands of people sat through that Kanye West bloke, and we even replaced the Foo Fighter with Florence and her stupid trust funded machine, and did they complain? No, they just stood there clapping. If they can handle that shit then they’re ready for Trump.
“And he’s not as much of a cock as Kanye”
News Toad 
I think you would get a better draw if you just book his hair.