Landlords must evict clowns from properties


Landlords will be directly responsible for recently much maligned clown houses according to new legislation announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. The legislation stipulates that Landlords must assess all their tenants for clown type tendencies and Mr Cameron warned that repeat offenders would risk prosecution and even imprisonment.

Whilst no-one wants to live next door to a clown, critics have said that the move could target non-clown tenants who just happen to have big feet and drive a shit car.

The National Association of Goths and Emos said many of their members were already having trouble procuring tenancies due to Landlords becoming suspicious about their make-up. It’s even thought that former Smiths front man Morrissey recently had trouble renting a two up two down in Redcar due to fears that the daffodil that he was wearing on his lapel might squirt water on people though a little pump hid in his front pocket.

One Landlord told us “You have to be safe rather than sorry. Something like that happens and you don’t know if Johnny Marr is going to appear sounding a car horn. Once they’re in you can’t winkle them out with a shitty stick and you have to put up with an electric shock every time you think you’re going to be handed the rent. And now the government want to blame the whole thing on us.

“From now on I’m only renting to people with new cars and small feet.”

Clowns are thought to arrive in towns originally via circuses. If they find one they like they often rent a few adjoining houses en-masse. One neighbour told us she was not clownist but did say “I’m not being funny but they all spend all their money on coloured wigs and make-up. And I bet that car has never even seen an MOT.”

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