United Kingdom Indenial Party chief Nigel Fararage has been advised by aides that he must avoid going back to Scotland at all costs or risk being burnt to death in a giant wicker man along with a variety of livestock.
Already herded into a pub for safe keeping in Edinburgh whilst the finishing touches were put to the imposing wicker structure, it appears the knee-jerk policy monger managed to escape by hailing a cab and instructing the driver to run over the man walking in front with a flag. After the car broke down it is rumoured that the UKIP leader managed to obtain a false passport and rely on board and lodgings from remote crofters under the false name of Angus McNoo.
Speaking from a secret location, rumoured to be safely south of the Watford Gap, Mr Fararage told reporters “It’s absolute nonsense. It’s just a few hundred thousand people that proved themselves incapable of having a balanced political debate and instead wanted to set fire to me in a stupidly large wicker statue shaped like a bloke, whilst they all drunk mead and sung songs. I blame the BBC for the whole thing. And The Proclaimers.”
Alex Salmond has surprised many by refusing to condemn the action. “It’s common knowledge that our crops have been failing for the last few years. Tradition states that if we sacrifice a closet racist with beagle like features and a gob on him like the Dartford tunnel then we will enjoy a bountiful harvest next year. And then I will become king.”
Nigel Fararage has argued that Mr Salmond’s plan is flawed asking “What if the crops fail again Alex? Your people will sacrifice you. Or The Proclaimers.”
Actor Edward Woodward has been offering support and advice to the UKIP leader. “I’ve been reassuring Nigel that it’s not as bad as it looks on the television. All he needs to do is shout Nooooo! a lot when they put him in there.”
News Toad 
You must be logged in to post a comment.