Fracking far too rude say enviromentalists

Environmentalists have been protesting outside parliament in their hundreds as the temporary ban on the process of ‘Fracking’ for gas and oil looks set to come to an end.

The head of a company involved in fracking has said it is ready to press on quickly with production if a UK ban on the technique is lifted. Indeed, a government review has concluded that fracking – extracting shale gas – is safe if adequately monitored.

Fracking is a controversial process that involves pumping water and chemicals into shale rock at high pressure to extract oil and gas. It uses a 300 foot giant titanium penis that is manned by a specially trained troupe of wanking monkeys. As the oversized mechanical wanger drives further into the earths crust it emits hugely amplified recordings of Sid James laughing, which then in turn embarrasses the shale gas up to the surface. It is not known to what extent the employment of a man playing wah-wah guitar enhances this process but Cuadrilla Resources chief executive Francis Egan insists “It’s just something we’ve always done.”

“This is absolute filth” one campaigner told us “We are literally raping the environment, and every time we do that, a penguin dies. We really don’t see why every new form of energy production has to involve giant todgers. Wind farms for example, seemed like a good idea to begin with, but it has come to our attention that they are simply giant one eyed trouser snakes with propellers attached to them. We just don’t understand why every form of energy production has to come down to filth.”

It has been widely speculated that the government will also be looking to invest in harnessing the power of the sea. Using an enormous pair of tits.