President of the United States Barack Obama has revealed that he spends most of his time keeping tabs on US citizens and foreigners alike through a special super powered telescope that can see as far as the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, and also through walls. Responding to accusations that US Government agents are tracking all internet communications and phone calls Mr Obama assured his critics “Nobody is listening in on your phone calls. But I do have a fuck off great telescope and chances are I’ll be watching you every time you have a bath. We want to know what everyone is up to, because we then host a state dinner and laugh about all your funny little habits.”
“Obviously we know about all your internet searches anyway but we use the telescope to keep tabs on meal times, bowel movements and how often you change your underwear. However, we don’t look at you when you’re naked. Well not very often anyway.”
The admission has caused much consternation on both sides of the Atlantic. One British citizen told us “I’ve been telling everyone that I speak to that Barack Obama is watching me through a telescope. People just looked at me strangely though and I ended up losing my job in a call centre. Thank God he’s owned up at last and the world is now wise to his telescope snooping antics.”
A US government spokesman has assured people world wide that they have no grounds for concern over the admission. “We’re not sure how Mr Obama manages to keep an eye on everybody simultaneously but he seems to manage it.This has nothing to do with his presidency though. He’s always liked watching people through a telescope.”
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