England offer a free owl to every fan

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Roy Hodgson has confirmed that he and the entire England squad will be offering all England fans a free owl by way of appeasement for their humiliating defeat to Uruguay in the group stages of the world cup finals.

“We all earn a ridiculous amount of money and it’s about time we gave something back to our fans. We’re obviously not going to do it through football but we can still do it by way of a widespread gifting of a nocturnal bird of prey with silent flight and binocular vision.”

However, it’s not over until the fat lady sings and fans have been told that their imminent free of charge package containing a live owl may not necessarily be in the bag.

“If Italy beat both Costa Rica and Uruguay 19-0 whilst simultaneously performing a competent rendition of ‘Ah Shaddapa yo face’ and the rules change so that you can pick up the ball with your hands, then England may still be in with a chance.”

“Failing that, it’s only a game. Here you are. Have an owl.”

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