Michael Eavis has confirmed that he has permanently shut the gates to Glastonbury and will not be reopening them to let people out unless absolutely forced to by the courts.
Speaking to middle aged sixth former Jo Whiley live on television Mr Eavis explained.
“Did you honestly all think the 35 foot fence was to keep people out? It’s to keep you all in. Including you Jo. You may think I’m joking now whilst your ripped to the tits, but pretty soon you will all run out of money and drugs, and realise the gravity of the situation. You will then all be required to work for me in a sort of mad max meets conan the barbarian feudal system.”
Many festival goers we spoke to appear to be taking the thought of mass incarceration and slavery remarkably well at this stage. One young reveller told us “This is all so awesome and everybody is amazing. I was just saying I wished we could just live here all the time and always be at Glastonbury and it’s come true. And even though we’ll soon be transformed into a violent post apocalyptic nightmare, I’m munted like a chimp and I can’t stop smiling.”
A spokesman for Avon and Somerset constabulary told us “There’s actually no law against it to our knowledge. If anyone can find a law that specifically legislates against keeping 200,000 people captive against their will and forcing them to follow the will of an insane farmer having lured them in under the guise of an overpriced music festival then please let us know. We’d be pleased to hear about it. Until then sadly our hands are tied.”
One Glastonbury organiser told us “This has been on the cards for a while. Eavis meant to do this last year. But he forgot.”
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