Rush hour traffic jams “caused by old drivers”

A group of retired motorists have today claimed responsibility for a large proportion of rush hour traffic congestion due to deliberately getting up and driving around slowly and erratically between the hours of 7am and 9am despite having no reason to do so.

Despite changing the subject and going off track a few times, a spokesman for the group told us “It’s marvellous sitting in a traffic jam with all your mates knowing that you’ve got all day and that your time is your own. We all meet up for a cup of tea afterwards and discuss the mayhem we’ve caused. Then we all go to our respective homes and have a nap, before getting up again to catch the lunch time sandwich rush in Marks and Spencer between 12pm and 2pm.”

Indeed the group, who are thought to have high membership country wide, are believed to have local and national competitions for the most ingenious methods of holding up traffic in the morning, the queues in Marks and Spencer during peak lunch break and the M25 between the hours of 2pm and 7pm on a Friday.

One Government spokesman told us off the record that the group, allegedly funded by the Daily Mail, had become too big for them to stop.

“They’ve got all the property, they’re getting all the benefits and now they’re out of control. No-one will charge them with anything because they vote. And to top it all they stop other people from voting by dithering on mass outside polling stations.”