Immigration caused me to grow women’s tits

A Conservative/UKIP floating voter has appealed to the Government to do anything in its power to halt immigration for fears that it is causing him to grow women’s tits.

Jobless Bert Onions from Burgess Hill told us that he had done very little himself but sit around and eat Iceland pies since the early 1990s, so was convinced that nothing he had done himself could have contributed towards his gradual increase in breast size. The simultaneously increasing immigration figures seemed too much of a coincidence not to be related.

“I can’t complain that immigrants are taking all the jobs because there are actually hundreds of thousands of jobs vacant for people with the right skills that many British people don’t have. I can’t complain that they’re coming over here to claim benefits because there’s no real evidence to back that up.

“However, I am growing a pair of women’s tits and it doesn’t take Einstein to work out that it’s them immigrants to blame.”

Leftist reporter Owen Jones has argued that there is no correlation between immigration and Mr Onions growing a pair of women’s tits.

“I won’t be drawn on this knee jerk nonsense. This is a gentleman who is looking to blame anything on immigrants. If he really has grown a pair of women’t tits this was obviously caused by the banks.” he explained.

Mr Onions hit the headlines earlier in the year after claiming the BBCs sacking of Jeremy Clarkson had caused him to grow women’s tits.