More MPs predicted to quit as scientists find cure for conservatism

cure for conservatism

Scientists have this morning confirmed that the most recent outbreak of conservatism may soon be under control.

Dr Bertram Onions of GlaxoSmithKline told us that initial trials on members of parliament had proved promising and the drug was now ready to be administered to all MPs exhibiting symptoms of the debilitating condition.

“We know sooner or later the condition causes them to shit on every segment of society before turning on themselves like rabid dogs. Then they go and hide away for years in huge private convalescence homes. Obviously, if we can get in there earlier with anti-virals then that’s even better. We managed to treat the virus after the terrible outbreak of Thatcher but it keeps changing. Luckily not by very much and just a drop or two of the antidote in the water supply seems to be doing the trick.”

Indeed many Tories are are showing signs of recovery, albeit gradually. Conservative MP and portly poshster, Nicholas Soames, has added his name to the list of those now apparently cured and leaving parliament, citing fatigue at pooing on disadvantaged people from the top of a step ladder.  Speaking to Country Fucking Life magazine he explained “The treatment definitely works, I’ve lost the ability to look down my nose at people, I now have compassion for people regardless of their social standing and I’m off to help out  in a food bank.”

However, the scientific community has come under attack for fast tracking the treatment and glossing over dangerous side effects. One GP told us “Some patients are experiencing pathological fear of different cultures, jingoism and wobbly eyes. If untreated they’ll contract UKIP. People must be warned to avoid this treatment if they frequent cockney overspill seaside resorts.”

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