Conservative mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith will hand over many of his day to day mayoral duties to his butler whilst he himself engages in such activities as eating canapés, drinking champagne and fart-arsing around on his yacht, should he win the election in May 2016.
Speaking to a selection of constituents at the opening of a diamond encrusted dog poo bin in Richmond park, Mr Goldsmith said “You can rest assured I’ll be attending dinners and declaring galleries open and stuff like that and I won’t skimp on wearing all the chains and jewellery. But you can fuck off if you think I’m going to spend all day in meetings. No, I have a butler to do that.
“Of course many of these poor people won’t listen to me anyway just because I’m the son of a billionaire. But they’ll listen to my butler. He only earns £60 grand a year.”
Whilst having his butler deal with tube strikes and firing police commissioners, Mr Goldsmith will still be in the driving seat overseeing policies such as moving all Londoners on less than 60 grand a year to Peterborough.
“Obviously my butler can tell them. He can speak pleb. It’ll sound better coming from him.”
Prime Minister David Cameron has sent congratulations to Mr Goldsmith on his successful selection and assured the electorate that he would be the best man for the job. “Zac’s butler will be fighting for hard working families. Zac doesn’t give a shit.” He told us off the record.