Zac Goldsmith to give his butler day to day Mayoral duties

Conservative mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith will hand over many of his day to day mayoral duties to his butler whilst he himself engages in such activities as eating canapés, drinking champagne and fart-arsing around on his yacht, should he win the election in May 2016. Speaking to a selection of constituents at the opening of […]

We must cheer on Andy Murray 24 hours a day through a megaphone

The  British public are going to have to follow Andy Murray around 24 hours a day cheering him on through  megaphones if he is to stand a chance of winning this years Wimbledon tournament according to former British number one Timmy Henman. “I’m very confident that he can win but only if everyone cheers him […]

Boris Johnson asked to stop moving into number 10

Boris Johnson has been asked by David Cameron to stop moving his belongings into number 10  and at least wait until a leadership contest according to Government sources. It’s thought that ever since he was turned away from Downing street 6 months ago after arriving with several removal lorries, he has been attempting to move […]

David Cameron “We must hunt down and berate fat kids who are rubbish at sports”

In a move to end “non-competitive sports days” the Prime Minister today announced new measures to berate overweight pupils who come last in running races. Mr Cameron told News Toad this morning, “Under the labour government, nobody wanted to offend the fat kid who always comes last. Well we’re done with mollycoddling, and we’re going […]