David Cameron “We must hunt down and berate fat kids who are rubbish at sports”


In a move to end “non-competitive sports days” the Prime Minister today announced new measures to berate overweight pupils who come last in running races.

Mr Cameron told News Toad this morning, “Under the labour government, nobody wanted to offend the fat kid who always comes last. Well we’re done with mollycoddling, and we’re going back to basics. We’ll shout abuse and point while they’re running, we’ll laugh at their fabricated sick notes, and if they “accidently” forget their kit then we’ll make them run in their underpants. No matter what else they might have to offer, we’ll ensure they lack confidence in a new world revolving solely around sport. It’s all for team GB!” he told us.

Iain Duncan-Smith was in full support of the change of policy but questioned whether it went far enough. “Even in the old days” he told us “an unsporty fat kid would only have to make it through school and into adulthood, and they would probably then be treated like a normal person. That’s not going to win us gold medals. These people need to be labelled with tattoos to remind the general public of how crap they really are. Please don’t think that it’s just the fat kids who are causing the problem. Asthmatics are letting the side down too, and they need poking with a stick.”

Boris Johnson has shown full commitment to the measures in a one off show of party unity. “The thing about a tubby kid” he explained to us “is once they start moving quickly, they will find it very difficult to slow down. We’ll feed them up with stimulants, frighten them and then enter them for the 800 metres. Bob’s your uncle. There’s no chance of any drug testing until they get older.”

A 1970s PE teacher told us “It’s terrific news! I can’t wait to start making unsporty children feel inadequate again.”

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