Duchess of Cambridge has a difficult poo.

kate middleton

The Duchess of Cambridge has confirmed the recent baby news from the BBC as a false alarm as it has turned out to be a ‘difficult poo’. In a statement this afternoon, the Duchess told us “I was convinced that I was pregnant, but on the other hand I hadn’t dropped the kids off at the pool for several weeks. I often don’t in fairness, it doesn’t do for a Princess to keep dropping brown trout left right and centre.”

David Cameron was one of the first to publicly offer his congratulations. “I know it has only turned out to be a large poo but we’ll still be granting the plebs a public holiday. Britain last had a ‘Royal Poo day’ under the rule of Queen Victoria. It was a diamond encrusted stool, similar in appearance to a Faberge egg. We’re imagining this one will be very similar”

Evidence of street parties have already begun in isolated areas of the country. One such member of the public Bert Onions, was already setting up a table in the middle of his street. “The wife’s just making coronation chicken sandwiches and pouring glasses of egg nog while I set up here. We do this every time a member of the royal family has a number two. I do sometimes wish we didn’t live on such a busy main road though, these trucks are only just missing us.”

One of the neighbours we spoke to however was far more cynical “I’ve been dreading this” he told us “Every time a senior royal drops a yuletide log the BBC and Daily Mail talk about nothing else. Even new Jimmy Saville revelations aren’t going to trump this one for the main story.”

Both the Daily Mail and the Daily Express have confirmed that they have cancelled all staff annual leave until further notice.

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