McDonalds to ban only people who like McDonalds

McDonalds are to ban the only people who can bear to eat their food, following the revelation that some of them also like to get into fights.

General Manager for Britain and Ireland, Filet O’Fish, said “We’ve no idea why cheap mass produced food in tacky surroundings brings in the wrong people. But we’re getting rid of them and focussing on a more mature customer. Preferably one that wouldn’t know a good burger if it was force fed to them down a tube.

“Anyway, our clientèle is not all under eighteens. We also serve fat people. And other people who’ve had their taste buds and olfactory nerves damaged in some sort of horrific accident.”

Mr O’Fish has also hit back at accusations that their tasteless mass produced food is heated up on command of beeps from a 1980s computer.

“If our food is really so easy to cook. How come we’re always burning it and the kitchens smell a bit funny?”

The ban on under 18s is thought to have already had a knock on effect with many teenagers instead choosing to instead frequent bistros and sushi bars. Indeed, one London wine bar owner told us “They’re just all piling in and ordering one Beef Wellington and a bottle of Chardonnay between them. I guess they’ve just got nowhere else to go.”