Business Secretary Sajid Javid has said that he will sadly be unable to promise nationalisation of the Port Talbot steel works in Wales, as he is too busy washing his hair.
Addressing a press conference with mad staring eyes Mr Javid said “I would dearly have loved to step up to the mark and make some attempt to save the last of a once great British industry. But on Wednesdays I like to wash my hair. And take a shit. Albeit a metaphorical shit on the many thousands that will become unemployed.”
“And I also can’t because I don’t care.” He added.
Former Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith told us that despite his new found social conscience he would not be arguing for nationalisation either as he would also be washing his golden locks. However, his replacement Stephen Crabb assured us that he would come down like a ton of bricks on any redundant steel workers expecting to claim benefits after a lifetime of hard work.
“No-one’s getting a free ride. We all have to tighten our belts” the God bothering, homosexuality curer explained.
Prime Minister David Cameron said “We’ll do whatever it takes to save the British steel industry, as long as it doesn’t involve us exhibiting one single iota of compassion or doing one solitary fucking thing.”