Panda latest casualty as Google ‘street car’ body count rises


Men, women, children and animals have been advised to only leave their homes if ‘absolutely essential’ as the number of road kill deaths from the ‘Google street car’ has reached ‘epidemic proportions’. The alleged cause of this sudden rise in mortality is that Google drivers are expected to drive, film, complete paperwork and access porn sites at the same time.

Google have not ruled out further accidents and have issued the following statement. “Everybody uses Google maps and people are constantly asking us to update and extend them. In order to do this a man has to drive a car and make a 360 degree film at the same time. When most people drive a car, the most they have to do simultaneously is crack open a beer or make a sandwich. Sometimes our drivers will be driving forwards and filming what’s going on behind the car. So there’s bound to be some casualties. It’s fucking obvious.”

In what has been described as the greatest threat to road safety since ‘old drivers’, the world-wide roadkill toll has reached unprecedented levels over the past few weeks. Casualties have included a colony of penguins, a small family of pandas and the majority of entrants for Crufts swanky dog show. Thankfully with regards to Crufts, the best looking dogs escaped unscathed. Human casualties have been at their highest on the Isle of Wight where street parties are still continuing from the Queens Diamond Jubilee last year.

Google have responded to the suggestion that customary morning drinking sessions before the Google cars leave each day could possibly be ‘dated ‘ and ‘unnecessary’. “How can there be a problem with our drivers being drunk if they haven’t usually got their eyes on the road anyway? In any event, most will have a ‘cheeky line’ to ensure that they are suitably focused”

“Every time we kill an animal. We honour their memory through a complex system of tax avoidance. It’s what they would have wanted.”

Microsoft are expected to announce their plans for an ‘automatic picture taking steam roller’ later on this week.

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