4 Year old ‘Toddler Police Commissioner’ to be hung out to dry


Newspapers and television news stations alike have come together as one in condemning the ‘deplorable actions’ of newly appointed Toddler Police Commissioner Tommy Perkins who in just one day of office is facing a charge of gross misconduct. Despite the responsibilities that go with his high office he has already left an important meeting to run around the garden giggling, called another child a ‘Big Smelly’ and frittered away working hours watching Fireman Sam DVDs.

Only recently  Master Perkins is said to have exhibited a very public rage in Pizza Hut when not allowed to have ice cream before his main course. And in the past as a baby, he has also been on record as frequently filling his nappies with shit and crying a lot.

The Daily Mail was one of the first newspapers to voice its anger and indignation over the situation. Their leading article today reads “Any four year old offered this position should stop acting like a four year old immediately. They should be a grown up and four at the same time. They should also hold a university degree, a full driving license and have borderline racist views on immigration”.

Kent Police Commissioner Ann Barnes has offered Master Perkins her full support but refused to condone his actions, and conceded that there may have been errors in the selection process  “It may have been a mistake to employ an actual four year old rather than just a dwarf. Having said that, some dwarfs have been known to have pretty feisty views of their own. So maybe someone who just looks young like that Owen Jones. Not the real Owen Jones obviously because he’d be all left wing and that”.

Master Perkins will unfortunately not have Commissioner Barnes with him tonight as he faces a grueling interview with Jeremy Paxman. “I should go easy on him because of his age. But I’m actually going to rip him to shreds” he told us.

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