We can stop global warming if everybody leaves their fridges open

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Scientists have issued a stark warning today that the planet is continuing to rise in temperature and the only way to stop it is by everyone leaving their fridges open. The move comes as Daily CO2 readings at a US government agency lab  have counted 400 parts per million for the first time. CO2 molecules are historically difficult to count as they are very small and keep moving around.

Sir Brian Hoskins, the Head of Climate Change at the UK-based Royal Society explained “There’s basically too much carbon dioxide and that makes things hot. We produce carbon dioxide when we breathe. We could hold our breath more often but that would make us go hot and red and that would warm the planet more. Many have argued that planting more trees might help, but that’s just interfering with nature. In any event the more trees you have, the more monkeys come to live in them. We can’t be doing with a plague of monkeys on top of this global warming malarkey. So we’re advising everyone to eat all the perishables they have and have one day with their fridges left open. That’ll sort it.”

The Royal Society have warned that this will only work if everybody who has a fridge opens it. “If you’re not part of the problem, you’re part of the solution. If you haven’t got a fridge then go and buy one and open it. If you can’t afford a fridge then steal one. If you haven’t got electricity then you need to get a petrol generator and use that to power your fridge which you then leave open.”

The advice has had widespread support from the public at large. One such member Bert Onions was busy topping up his supply of bags for life when we spoke to him. “I’ve been getting a new bag for life every time I go shopping but it hasn’t stopped global warming yet. If one day of leaving my fridge open means I can go back to normal bags I’ll be a happy man. It’ll mean I can stop recycling too. After all, it all gets eaten by seagulls anyway”.

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