Undercover Police must still wear helmets


Under cover police may still be required to wear police helmets at all times according to the findings of a recent investigation into the conduct of under cover police.  Seen as heralding a new era of openness and transparency, the move comes as many people claim to have been ‘fooled’ by policemen pretending not to be policemen.

 One such victim told us  “I thought my new boyfriend was a hardened criminal and borderline psychopath. Despite his tendency to bend his knees and say ‘evening all’ and sing ‘a policeman’s lot is not a happy one’ in the bath, everything seemed quite normal. Imagine my disappointment when I find out that he actually earnt a half decent wage and paid into a pension plan. He didn’t even have an ASBO.  I’m absolutely disgusted. If he’d just worn a police helmet I would have probably noticed during sex. That’s why I’m taking the police to court.”

  Head of the Home Affairs Committee Keith Vaz has already come under fire for his recommendations saying that it may give criminals an unfair advantage. Mr Vaz however has responded with suggestions that all criminals should wear a mask and stripey jumper. “It’s only fair, and I’ll get uniformed police officers to take their helmets off! That’ll swing things in our favour!” he told us.

 Theresa May has been conspicuous by her silence on the matter but has suggested moves to reduce the number of serving under cover police officers. “We only need one really. But he’ll have to be very fast on his feet. And very very sneaky….”

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