The new owners of South Parade Pier, who have asked to remain anonymous, have ruled out the possibility of an imminent, accidental fire leaving it irreparable but covered by insurance.
A spokesman for the new mystery owner issues the following statement.
“It is out of the question that the pier, which is said to require £3 million investment for basic upkeep, will catch fire, no matter how good the insurance policy is. No, absolutely not. It’ll be the ultimate seaside experience. Gypsy Rosie Lea will read your fortune whilst you’re sitting on a donkey, playing 1980s computer games for two quid a time with a stick of rock shoved up your arse. Tourists and locals alike will love it. If that fails to take off, it will most likely be turned into a cat racing track, as with the demise of Portsmouth dog track there’s a gap in the market for racing domestic pets.”
Michael Fallon Minister for Portsmouth said “I didn’t know Southsea had a pier so it’s good news that someone has bought it. I look forward to visiting it either to see it go up in flames or place a bet on the cat racing. Is Southsea actually in Portsmouth though? I thought that was Southend.”
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