Fines for parents as schools ban British cutlery at lunchtimes

Parents of children in new designated ‘cutlery free schools’ are set to face hefty fines from Local Education Authorities after warnings that the new ban on eating lunch in school canteens using a knife and fork will be strictly enforced.

Increasingly being seen as an imperialistic, jingoistic and islamophobic method of eating, knives and forks are already banned at just under 10% of schools for fear of offending recent immigrants who might come from cultures that eat with their hands or use chopsticks. Consequently in times of increasing multiculturalism it is thought that the knife and fork ban may roll out to up to 50% of schools, particularly ones situated in seaside towns. A Labour Government will want to make the ruling universal.

However one Clacton-on-Sea parent that we spoke to remained defiant despite already having been fined for sending his children to school equipped with their own conventional cutlery

“I’m sorry but I want my children to carry on using a knife and fork, even if it’s for eating soup or peanuts. However I’ve been told that if I carry on passing knives and forks through the school gates to my children then I will have to pay an even bigger fine, which will be directly payable to one of those social clubs that they have just for foreign people.You honestly couldn’t make it up.”

Fomer BNP leader Nick Griffin issued the following statement on the matter.

“I’m sorry but I’ve lost my job as a racist hate monger so I’m not really arsed about this or any other contrived immigration related story. Have you tried Britain First?”