Cameron “A Labour Government would ruin everything”

A Labour Government would ruin every single thing according to Prime Minister David Cameron.

Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Cameron said “You name it they’d ruin it. Anything that’s good now wouldn’t be once they got their crappy socialist hands on it. Mark my words should they weasel their way back into power every single thing will immediately turn to rat shit. And that’s because they wouldn’t be able to leave well alone. They’d just fuck it all up and make it pants. They’d ruin it for everybody.”

On being urged to be more specific the premier added “They would probably start off by giving a big bag of gold and diamonds to people that don’t work, and follow that up by putting out a personalised red carpet for each and every illegal immigrant. Then they would most likely take every single undeserving person out to a Michelin starred restaurant paid for  out of the public coffers. The next thing you know buses would have no wheels, Policemen would have no helmets and everything would be in black and white.”

One Conservative MP told us that the electorate should be banned from voting Labour for their own good. “Everything was ghastly under the previous administration and now it’s absolutely fucking marvellous. A vote for Labour would turn all that back into a big bag of monkeys’ arseholes.”

Opposition Leader Ed Miliband has strongly denied that a  Labour Government would ruin everything and has said that actually far from it, the extent to which they would ruin things would not amount to anything like everything.

“The electorate can rest assured we’ll be just ruining some things and leaving everything else exactly as it is.” he explained.