Alan Titchmarsh has been hotly tipped to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear according to BBC sources.
The green fingered Housewives’ favourite is thought to be a breath of fresh air from Clarkson, widely known as the curly haired bastard love child of Prince Philip who has graced our screens since the 1980s but has now been suspended having reportedly pooed on the desk of a BBC producer.
A spokesman for the BBC said “From now on everything is going to be nice. We’ll be dispensing with racist, sexist and homophobic rants. Just Titchmarsh getting into cars and getting out of them again and then talking about gardening and then stopping for a nice cup of tea. Probably with the nice lady out of the One Show.”
The first Titchmarsh episode is thought to include guests Michael Ball and the bloke who shouts ‘seven’ loudly on Strictly Come Dancing driving a moderately priced car round a track at a moderate speed.
“The thing about a car” Titchmarsh explains “is it’s just something to get you from a to b. So we’ll be glossing over the whole driving thing and moving straight onto allotments. And sheds.”
It is not clear whether sidekicks James May and Richard Hammond will be sticking around for the new wholesome Top Gear or if they will be joining Clarkson for his new Channel 5 series ‘The Big Racist Arsehole Driving Show’.
News Toad 
Thanks for that – needed a laugh today.