Jeremy Hunt “Parents to perform appendectomies”

Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt.

Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a stethoscope any more. They’ve all got smart phones with apps that can accurately diagnose the problem and most likely advise on performing general operations using cooking brandy and household cutlery.

“Anyway you can’t miss the appendix. It’s on the bottom right. Depending on which way you’re facing. So it’s probably their left. But it’s definitely at the bottom. There’s loads of pictures on Google.”

However Mr Hunt has conceded that many people might possibly feel happier with some sort of vague support from someone in the medical profession.

“There’ll still be a team of Doctors on hand if they run into trouble. But fuck knows why because I won’t be paying them.” He assured.

A spokesman for the BMA said “He’s right. We’ve just been arseing about with white coats on, acting like our 10 years plus of training makes us more knowledgeable or something. To be honest we’re surprised we’ve eeked it out for so long. I thought the game was up when they brought out Theme Hospital on the Playstation.”