National Rifle Association “Everybody must have a pet lion”

The National Rifle Association has surprised critics and some supporters alike today on their announcement that America would be a much safer place if every household kept a pet lion.

Wayne LaPierre, chief executive of the NRA told us “Lions don’t kill people. The wrong people left in charge of lions kill people. Well their lions actually do the killing , but it’s the owner thats pulled the trigger. Metaphorically anyway. It’s complicated. But you can be sure if a man is walking down a street with a lion, he is unlikely to be attacked by another man with a lion because he’s got a lion.”

Mr LaPierre, went on to criticise politicians who had ‘exploited’ recent lion attacks for ‘political gain’ and took aim at laws designating schools as ‘Lion Free’ zones. “The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a lion is a good guy with a lion. But we’ll be issuing good guys with two lions. And then if they decide later on to turn into a bad guy then they will be required to give one of the lions back.”

Mr LaPierre also called for a national database of bad people and blamed violent lion films such as Tarzan for portraying lion violence as a “way of life”.

Barack Obama has announced that he will move America towards a ban on the general public owning lions, though has shied away from an overall ban on wild animals. “We are not going to stop American citizens from protecting their homes, families and settling drunken disputes with moderately violent animals such as Hyenas and Chimpanzees. That would violate the second amendment ‘Freedom to own a creature with sharp and pointy teeth’. But there is really no need to have anything more dangerous than a leopard”.

Mr LaPierre has responded that the second amendment wouldn’t have been passed in 1791 if there was anything wrong with it. “Anyway” he added “If your lion gets a bit feisty you can just shoot it.”