Cantankerous pensioner juries find everybody guilty

old jurors

Prison populations are said to be at ‘bursting point’ following David Cameron’s decision to allow over 70s on juries which has unexpectedly resulted in everyone being found guilty. Defendants in crown court have been told to expect long sentences on the grounds that “They all do don’t they, they’ve never had to do national service and they should string them up quite frankly.”

In one morning court session alone, a jury whose members were aged between 71 and 103, managed to find 23 people guilty out of only 17 defendants. One court reporter told us  “The cells were absolutely packed by lunch time. They managed to find 4 members of the public in the gallery and 2 members of court staff guilty of scrumping, scruffy attire and not reading the Daily Mail. The only thing that stopped them convicting each other on a knee jerk whim was a stipulation on unanimous verdicts.”

David Cameron has defended the end of jury age limits as a ‘victory for law and order’ but has promised that each juror will be fully vetted and briefed of correct procedure. “We’ll be strongly requesting that they actually see the defendant in the flesh and listen to the evidence before finding them guilty” he told us.

Judges will also be making sure all new jurors are aware that defendants can only be found guilty of the crime for which they are in court. A spokesman for the National Association of Judges explained “We’ve had a spate of people coming in for parking fines and ending up being found guilty of murder, stealing cars, spontaneous joviality  and not being racist. Whilst we’ve had to honour these convictions so far, we’ll be strongly advising each juror to stick loosely to the charges and to try and avoid whipping themselves up into a jingoistic frenzy of intolerance by playing land of hope and glory during hearings.”

One juror we spoke to had just nipped out between sessions to slow down the queue for lunchtime sandwiches in Marks and Spencer. “They all want stringing up. All of them.” he told us.


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