“We’re sorry you’re stupid” say banks


Many of Britain’s top banks and credit card companies have joined forces today to issue the following statement to the public “We’re sorry you’re so stupid.”

A spokesman for the industry told us “We deeply regret telling  you that when you took out a credit card you needed a special ‘underpant insurance’ to stop financial faeces from leaking out of the bottom of the card, landing you with a higher debt and higher interest rates. We also feel remorse for telling you that unless you pay into an insurance called a ‘davey’ your interest rates would vary according to the weather and might double if it snows.  We’re sorry we said it. But we’re even sorrier that you believed it.”

“You have to see things from our side.  You come in all gormless just begging us to help you get into debt and we have to seem interested in you in order to get your money. We offer a loan at an extortionate APR on the basis that you get a shiny card. We might as well dress up in leather and brandish a whip.”

However Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has assured members of the public that despite their own stupidity, all parties concerned will benefit from a compensation package from the banks by 2014. “Under my benevolent guidance the banks will be required to give all affected customers a corkscrew, £18 in cash and a sincere verbal apology delivered with a straight face.  Customers must then be given an opportunity to buy a ‘shitty insurance insurance’ policy that each bank will be obliged to have on offer. That way if they then buy a shitty insurance policy they can claim a refund on their shitty insurance insurance. As long as they’ve read the small print. And don’t own a cat.”

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