Furniture stores using Satanic powers says office of fair trading

furniture village

Furniture stores have been brokering deals with Satan to coerce people into buying sofas on bank holidays through practice of the dark arts, according to the Office of Fair Trading.

A spokesman for the OFT told us “Who would even think about buying an expensive sofa on a bank holiday if they were not being swayed by dark voodoo? Especially when the chances are that bloke out of Spandau Ballet has been sitting on them. We’re well aware that the owners of SCS and World of Leather are in some way giving honour to Satan and his horde of demons in return for some sort of mind control of their customers.  Sadly under consumer protection legislation as it is at the moment we’re powerless to act.”

One customer we spoke to told us he was disappointed by the revelations. “I was only looking around to pass ten minutes, but then my head started spinning around, I began projectile vomiting and the next thing you know I’d bought a lazy boy three piece suite on finance. I wouldn’t mind but during the consultation I managed to stab myself up the arse with a crucifix, so it will be a while before I get to sit on it. These places should be more honest and just rely on hypnotism.”

In addition to gaining extra business by the unconditional worship of his satanic majesty, the furniture industry has come under fire for advertising misleading discounts on their products. One salesman that we spoke to explained to us “It’s not about the price. It’s about whether you want this sofa. Sit on it, have a coffee and imagine how good your life would be, with your perfect sofa, your good looking friends and who knows your wife will probably come back to you. And if it’s somewhere near what you want to pay a month then the price or the APR doesn’t matter does it?”

“And now I must worship at the groin of beelzebub!”

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