Aboriginal Australians celebrate as Australia elects anti-immigration Prime Minister

Indigenous Australians throughout the country have been celebrating through the night at the news that under new management, all immigrants will now be turned away, a policy set to be backdated for the last 400 years.

One Aboriginal Australian told us “It’s all been very nice but after 400 years it’s high time they all pissed off back to their own country and it’s great to have a leader who represents those views. We’re assuming that Tony Abbott will personally oversee the sharp exit of all non native Australians back to whichever country or countries they historically hail from, before doing one himself  and chucking us the keys.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron has assured the Australian government that the expected fleet of Indonesian fishing boats bought by Australia for the purpose of the mass migration will not be turned away.

“All Australians  with British heritage will of course be welcome back to enjoy our lack of open space and shit weather under the strict proviso that  they start whinging and drinking warm beer like we do. However, we realise that Australia changes its Prime Ministers on quite a frequent basis so we look forward to discussions  with Bob Hawke sooner rather than later, before they get another one”

Home and Away stalwart Alf Stewart told us “I don’t know where I get off, coming over here taking my own job at the surf club. It’s about time I left.  And I’ll be staying right here to make sure I don’t come back.”