America hails new drug to cure atheists


American scientists have hailed a breakthrough in medical science with a drug that finally cures atheism.

The drug named Omniprezole is said to be so effective that it is to be made available immediately without any further clinical trials. Politician and pro-omniprezole campaigner Sarah Palin told us “It’s a nightmare trying to start wars and persecute homosexuality in the name of God when not everyone believes in him. If people keep coming up with rational scientific solutions to things, we’re never going to get anywhere. So we need everyone ripped to the tits on this drug and ready to agree to knee jerk reactions in the name of a higher being at the drop of a hat.”

Attempted cures in the past have included electric shock therapy, inducing nausea while being exposed to the works of Richard Dawkins, enforced wearing of hassocks, exorcism of rationality, hypnosis and continual making of toast until a slice bears a passing resemblance to Jesus or the Virgin Mary, only sadly the toast method being seen as having any scientific virtue.

One former atheist told us “I couldn’t deal with the stigma of being an atheist in the States and thankfully now I don’t have to. I take one tablet with every meal and 2 with fish every Friday. Every time I start thinking that perhaps all religion is an easy way out that replaces rational thinking by focussing on an imaginary afterlife rather than sorting out immediate issues down here on earth, I simply pop an extra pill and I’m waving my arms around like a banshee and telling people I’ve seen the light.”

However, less well off American atheists are not going to expect any free prescriptions via Obamacare. Despite many protests with placards demanding ‘Free brainwashing for all’ the drug appears, for now at least, to be remaining firmly within the private sphere with cheaper generic substitutes thought to be years away from production.

One pharmaceutical rep told us “This drug is not a right. People are going to have to either pay for it or stop being atheist by their own volition. And even if they do that there may be a copyright issue.”


  1. If it existed I want it.

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