Co-op bank chiefs have been urged to start taking drugs again following reports that their new policy of narcotic abstinence amongst senior management has caused them to fail a Bank of England stress test.
A spokesman for the hapless financial institution told us that regrettably, mistakes had clearly been made.
“We’re OK when the economy is doing well, but all we need is another recession and we’re fucked. And it will be our fault for not being absolutely shitfaced. So we’re going to introduce emergency measures to get everyone in the sector munted like a chimp. Starting off with bringing former CEO Paul Flowers back to score some marching powder from a dealer in a Ford Granada.”
The central bank created a hypothetical scenario involving a deep recession, an unprecedented collapse in house prices, soaring unemployment and a sharp rise in interest rates over a three year period beginning at the end of 2013.
“It’s absolutely no coincidence that RBS and Lloyds have passed the stress test and haven’t sacked anyone for not knowing anything about banking and obtaining drugs on hidden camera. We’ve no evidence for this statement at all but they’re probably bouncing around their respective board rooms like ping pong balls with their eyes as big as saucers.”
One customer told us he would withdraw his funds unless the bank started getting right on it.
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