Eight ways to tell if he’s the one

the one

He might look like the one. He might sound like the one. But is he the one? Is he? Is he the one? Find out with this uncannily accurate scientific test.

1) Does he leave the room to answer his phone whilst looking shifty? He’s either keeping his work life separate so he can devote all of his quality time with you to gazing into your eyes, or he’s planning a big and probably very expensive surprise!

2) Dodgy internet history? He’s simply comparing you favourably with numerous other examples of the female form. Sometimes doing rude things. Hold on to that one, he’s a keeper!

3) Doesn’t flush the loo after taking a shit? He’s saving water because he cares about the environment. In the time you’ve been together he’s practically saved the life of a penguin.

4) If he’s got a tag, it means he’ll never stray. And tattooed tears show he’s a very sensitive chap indeed.

5) Doesn’t actually know who you are and he’s going out with someone else? Just goes to show he’s got a lot of love to give. Don’t forget to follow him home at night and park outside his house for hours to remind him he’s only on loan!

6) Marrying someone else? Shows he’s not scared of commitment. All you need to do is show up on the day and tell his bride your having his baby.

7) Taking out a court injunction against you? This is a strong decisive man. Don’t let that one slip through your fingers!

8) In prison for breaking aforesaid court injunction? Don’t forget to write to him every day. He’ll soon come round. And don’t forget you can get married in prison!

If any of these apply to you. Congratulations, you’ve only gone and been and done and met the one! Scientifically people who’ve met the one are more important than people who haven’t.  And you can witter on about it incessantly to anyone within earshot, particularly friends who are single. Perhaps you could also repeat your wedding vows annually.

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