Britain is to bomb all countries that have venomous snakes in order to stop them biting people once and for all according to Prime Minister David Cameron.
Speaking to a a packed press conference outside a COBRA meeting the premier said “We’re only going to be bombing countries that have these dangerous serpents. It’s the only language they understand. There may well be some collateral damage but if they’re not harbouring these slithery biting things then they have nothing to worry about.”
Mr Cameron has been warned by critics in his own party that he is employing an outdated and over simplistic model of war based on national borders and not taking into account home grown venomous snakes.
One MP told us “We have adders in Dorset. Is the Prime Minister suggesting that we bomb Dorset? Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall lives there!”
Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has also caused division within his party by suggesting that perhaps a blanket bombing of all snakes may not be the best way forward. “We should sit around a table with a cobra, a black mamba and an anaconda. And have a meaningful dialogue.” He explained.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has promised full Russian support in strategic bombing of all venomous snakes though reportedly has only been bombing pandas so far. “There is absolutely no truth in this” a spokesman for the Kremlin told us.