Cyclists don’t need lights on their bikes at night because they’re special a new report has concluded.
A spokesman for the National Association of special cyclists said “In the 1970s and 80s it was all about having a big light on the front, one on the back, reflectors and high visibility jackets and armbands. “Get yourself seen” people used to say. I like to think we’ve moved on from that.
“Lights are a badge of shame for the destruction of the environment. Lorries have to have huge lights. So cyclists shouldn’t have to have any at all. We’re not bound by your rules.”
Whilst some cyclists have chosen to buck the trend and use lights, the tiny weak little flashy ones that you don’t notice until you’re about a foot behind them as they swerve around erratically at 7 miles per hour, many have embraced the no light trend seeing themselves as human pedalling chameleons of the night.
“I see myself like a panther skulking through the darkness” One told us
Another explained that far from being soft in the head he was studying for a masters degree.
“It’s just that I need all my brain power for that and don’t have enough left to deal with the absolutely fucking obvious fact that if I ride around at night with no lights then I am likely to cause my own death and risk others as cars swerve having only seen me at the last minute. Students should be allowed to drive cars without lights as well.”
News Toad 
Ah, hello again Bob. No sorry i still think riding a bike with no lights is really fucking stupid. I notice you have been sending abuse to LBC after an article criticising cyclists running red lights in Paris. You appear to have a bit of an online reputation for foaming at the mouth over articles that highlight really unsafe cyclists….. Anyway I won’t keep you. It’ll be dark soon and you’ll be wanting to take the lights off your bike and ride around running red lights and shouting at motorists. Come to think of it I think I’ve met you…..
Fuck me, it’s the people’s revolutionary front of riding a bike around with out any lights on! Of all the causes you could take up and fight for you’ve decided to champion the rights of cyclists not using lights at night. You absolute idiot.