Prime Minister Theresa May has strenuously denied accusations that the cabinet have been strangling kittens whilst the media focus their attention on the Olympic games.
“It’s ridiculous. Just because no-one’s paying much attention to us, the PC brigade assume we’re strangling kittens, cutting benefits and increasing rail fares. And if anyone thinks they’re going to find a secret dossier about us asphyxiating felines then they’re sadly mistaken. I’ve lost it.”
In addition, Mrs May has strongly refuted accusations that herself and the cabinet will be using the run up to the labour leadership elections to get away with sneakily strangling a few more kittens whilst the media spotlight is elsewhere.
“Labour are literally going up their own arse, I’m all set for another term after this one. Now why would anyone think that I would be using such opportunistic smoke and mirrors to laugh wildly whilst bumping off tabbies? Obviously one or two might pop their clogs over a glass of bubbly and a canape but I have numerous other projects to be working on.” Mrs May continued.
Though overshadowed by the Olympics, prospective Labour Leader Owen Smith has promised that he would largely follow Jeremy Corbyn’s policy of just stroking kittens and sometimes feeding them.
“I might throttle the odd one if it means us winning a general election. We’ve got to listen to the electorate” He explained.